Life After Read online

  “Hadley,” she starts, dipping one of her fries into her ketchup, “You worry me. I know losing your parents and sister is one of the worst things possible. Trust me. I get it. I lost not only my sister but your dad who was like a brother to me and my niece. It doesn’t matter that we lost touch we are family. I don’t want you to stop living because this happened. They wouldn’t want that for you.”

  She pauses to take a sip before fixing me with a look. I flinch when making eye contact with her. Why does she have to do this now? Why can’t she stop trying to fix me?

  “You’re going to be continuing on with life I will not allow you to drown in whatever it is that’s going on inside of that head of yours. I’m not sure what you have planned. College or go straight to work. I personally don’t care but I do want you to make the best of it.”

  Pissed off I glare at her, “I’m sorry but I’m not sure how you expect me to be thinking about all these things when I am still reeling from the accident.”

  She looks at me aggravated and says she has to use the restroom . I know it’s just to get away from me but at least I don’t have to sit there with her scrutinizing, judgmental eyes on me. I scoff at her but she has me thinking, swallowing past the lump in my throat I twirl a fry in my mayo/ketchup mixture. How can I act like nothing happened? How can I be okay to just go on with my life when they are gone?

  It’s not right.

  I hear laughter to my left and look longingly over at the group that looks about my age. I miss being carefree. Frowning at them I turn my attention back to my plate with my head down as Jenny appears back from the bathroom her eyes look red as if she has just spent the last few minutes crying. Now I feel even worse. I’m a horrible person I make everyone miserable.

  “Jenny, I’ll do my best but I can’t make any promises.” I take a sip of my soda giving me a chance to gather my thoughts. “I do want to go to college but I want to go to the community college.”

  “Your mom used to tell me you were into photography. Have you thought about studying that in school?

  Shaking my head I look down, “I haven’t touched my camera since the accident. I’ve been considering starting again, but I don’t know.

  “Give it a try, it can’t hurt anything. Go to the park or something and take pictures.”

  Shooting me a wan smile, she grabs one of my fries and cracks a fake grin. “Oh and lay off Avery, He’s a good guy and hasn’t had the best life so far. You never know you might end up finding something you like about him. ”

  Perturbed at even the thought of that happening I quickly shake my head back and forth. Have I been that bad to Avery? Thinking back I see myself saying some pretty mean things and ignoring him. Shifting uncomfortably I vow to be nicer to him. I think part of it is that I’m attracted to him. I’m female and he is a very nice looking male specimen but it’s wrong to have feelings for someone so soon after the accident. It’s not right. I mean why should I be allowed to be happy?

  Shaking my head I finish my food as Jenny waves the ostentatious waiter over to us and asks for the check. They start discussing her purse. Gag me. I swear I think he’s trying to earn his tip back. Rolling my eyes at them I let her know that I’m going to head to the car and get some air.

  Grabbing the stupid crutches I shield my face from the group of teens that stare at me as I make my way towards the door, their laughter following me. My heart clenches at being stared at…I can’t help that it hurts.. I’m not used to being stared at. I’m used to flying under the radar and I keep forgetting about the scar on my face, I cannot forget any longer, my stomach clenching.

  A nice older man holds the door open for me and I nod my thanks to him as I hobble into the parking lot. Taking a deep breath of fresh air I move as fast as I can on my crutches to Jenny’s car. It rained while we were eating; the ground is wet and avoiding puddles is tricky. I recall my tenth birthday party and how it poured rain and I started crying because I thought my party was ruined. My mom took my hand and pulled me outside. I had asked her why we were standing in the rain and she said, “Hadley, there is no better thing to do than dance in the rain, your party isn’t ruined. Now follow me and dance with me!” She grabbed my hand and twirled me with her in the rain. Best birthday ever.

  The honking of a horn shakes me out of my daydream. I’ve stopped dead in the middle of the road. I’m such a loser. Sighing in a self depreciating way I shake the cobwebs from my mind and move as fast as I can without slipping on the pavement to Jenny’s car. Pulling open the car door I lean my crutches on the car and stare at the seat with the car door open. My heart rate starts to speed up. Tilting my head as I peer into the car, Hadley, get a grip it’s an inanimate object. It’s not going to hurt you, just sit down in the car. Never in my life did I think getting into a car; an ordinary vehicle would be so hard and make me feel like death. The panic it induces is unbelievable. My hands are clammy. My armpits are sweating. I’m shaking so bad. What is wrong with me? I feel broken as I stand there in my panic induced haze.

  Fumbling with my purse straps I manage to open my purse looking up to make sure Jenny isn’t there. I stick my hand inside and move it around peering inside to locate my pills. Once I find the circular tube I let out a sigh of relief. Clasping the pill bottle to my chest. I want them to take everything away, erase all the pain building up like a dam inside my body. It’s all I can do not to tip the bottle into my mouth, but I don’t. I grip it tightly putting the lid back on. I shake the bottle, the anxiety dying down as the pills slap against the plastic. My breathing settles as if the pills hold the key to life when Jenny startles me. I end up almost dropping the pills only to get a good grasp on them before they crash to the ground.

  She’s on her phone as she looks over at me with a question on her face. Waving towards me to get in, she motions towards her ear and continues talking. My eyes widen and my throat tightens at the thought of going through another panic attack. Almost offering to walk I open my mouth when she gets this impatient look on her face and motions for me a second time to get in the car. I’m still standing there like statue. Giving a little huff she walks over and opens the door, grabs my crutches, throws them in the back as she hisses into the phone. She messes with something on the side of the door and then walks over to me looks me in the eye, randomly giving me a hard hug and giving me a slight push into the awaiting car. My hands immediately go to the door to open it and while the doorknob works the door isn’t opening.

  “Hold on a sec.” Jenny says into the phone. She looks over at me holding her hand over her ear.

  “I activated the child lock again so you wouldn’t try and get out during your panic attack, Hadley.” She says it so nonchalantly like it’s a regular occurrence, but I guess it is now. I slam my hand against the window as she goes back to her phone call not even batting an eye. As if going bat shit crazy in a car is a normal thing. This is my life after, my life now, being locked in a car so I don’t jump out while it’s moving.

  We sit in the parking lot for at least ten minutes while she discusses pom pom color and hair styles. Rolling my eyes at the fifth mention of pink and white pom poms and we are heading home. I lean my head back and stare out the window ahead of me making good use of my imaginary break, listening to her talk about spanks and proper diet.

  Against the window, I settle for putting it into a fist and squeezing, hard. My life has come to being treated like a child. I notice since I have put all my focus towards my anger that the panic attack gripping me has calmed down and I’m no longer worried about the car moving. I listen to Jenny’s inane cheerleading banter until my eyes glaze over and like the loser I am, I fall asleep.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Jenny nudges my arm once we arrive home waking me up from my unintentional nap. The lack of sleep at night is obviously catching up with me. Jenny’s phone rings again, I swear she has that thing glued to her ear...well technically it’s attached to her ear by her hands free thingy, but you know what I mean. Leaving
her outside pacing wildly as if the person could see her I go in the house. Breathing deeply I expect the yummy apple cinnamon scent I’ve grown fond of only this time it’s mixed with—I sniff the air…burnt popcorn?

  Walking Following the stench I walk into the living room to see Andrew and Avery spread out on the couch and recliner, burnt popcorn in bowls and drinks on the coffee table. Judging by the mess that greets me it looks like they haven’t moved from their spots all day. Their eyes are glued to the TV and they have a somewhat glazed over look to them.

  “Hi,” Avery says.

  I huff as I clear wrappers and cans so I can sit on the couch. Glancing at the TV, I taste bile in my throat at the sight of a shark being sliced open.

  “Ewww gross! Are you guys seriously enjoying this?” Watching a shark attack a whale is seriously gross...my stomach starts turning. I turn away, focusing on a picture hanging in front of me hoping lunch will stay put. “What is this anyway?” I ask feeling my stomach getting queasier.

  “Shark Week,” Avery responds eyes glued to the show. “If you’re going to watch sit down and be quiet. No talking during Shark Week.”

  This Shark Week is apparently sacred business around here. A commercial comes on and I’m saved from watching sharks eat lunch. Avery jumps up almost knocking me over and throws more popcorn in the microwave, grabbing three root beers. Walking around to the front of the couch he hands one of them to Andrew and looks at me for confirmation of whether or not I’m going to join them. Nodding, I sit down delicately perching myself on the edge of the couch. Scooting back I start sinking into the cushions, it almost makes me groan aloud in pleasure, it has got to be one of the best couches I’ve ever sat on, seriously like a cloud. Avery grabs my crutches from where I left them on the floor by the couch and puts them out of sight. He catches me looking at him and shrugs, “What? I don’t want anyone to trip over them.”

  Raising my eyebrow at him. “Are you sure you aren’t trying to trap me here?”

  Holding his hand to his heart he dramatically falls to the couch, but catches himself, lays his head in my lap and meets my eyes. I can’t help the butterflies in my stomach and the odd angle and my face feels hot as I try to resist the urge to run my fingers through his hair.

  I’m sitting here having this inner battle with my hormones and the whole time he’s been talking and is waiting for me to answer something, but I missed the question.

  “You wound me, Lady. You wound me!”

  I can’t help but laugh, but it feels so foreign to me that it sounds rusty. I’ve missed laughing. “I’m sorry what exactly was question again?”

  “Well I was about to ask—”

  Andrew interrupts, “Both of you quiet if you want to stay here. Shark Week’s back and what is the rule for Shark Week?

  In unison we respond, “No talking during Shark Week.”

  “Now quiet both of you.”

  Andrew takes a sip of his drink and looks over at me as if not two seconds ago he wasn’t scolding me for talking, “Hadley, get comfy and enjoy the awesomeness that is Shark Week.” I open my mouth and he moves his finger across his throat in a off with the head motion. “No talking.”

  Leaning forward I grab the soda and take a healthy sip, bubbles tickling my nose. Setting it down I grab a throw pillow putting it behind my head and start watching the guys on the show getting into a shark tank and swimming with sharks. My mind is boggled. Why would you want to do that? Shaking my head I sink deeper in the couch and watching intently.

  Jenny finally comes in and stops when she sees what we’re watching. She groans throwing her hands in the air. “Damn it, its Shark Week isn’t it?”

  “SHHHH!!!!” We all yell at her.

  “I’m assuming this means take out tonight. Because I’m not cooking if you’re not even going to join me at the table.” She turns and zero’s in on me lying on the couch. “Not you too, Hadley!” She groans putting her hand through her hair.

  I can’t even look her in the eye, so I offer her some popcorn. She grabs my bowl and walks out of the room, leaving us absorbed in a shark eating a seal. Avery looks over at me rolling his eyes and hands me his popcorn.

  A warm feeling flows in my stomach when he looks at me. Bad Hadley, I tell myself. You’re too messed up to even think about guys right now. But I can’t stop myself from imagining it. I can’t stop from wishing we had met in a different situation like me visiting Jenny or something not with death, he would have loved the old me. I was peppy, happy and an all around fun girl. These days I’m just a shell of a person who can’t sleep, has a messed up body and quite frankly relies on pain and anxiety pills a bit too much.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I fall asleep watching shark’s migration habits, so very exciting. Almost as exciting as watching paint dry. A hand on my shoulder shakes me awake. Batting the hand away I mumble faintly for the person to go away. The shaking continues.

  “Go away, Mom.” Rolling over towards the back of the couch I pull the blanket over my head trying to curl into the warmth of it. Opening my eyes I stare in the darkness, it’s stuffy under the blanket almost suffocating but I don’t care. My stomach clenches: my mom is gone. I can’t believe I thought she was there, how long am I going to think they’ll come back?

  “Um, Hadley?” His voice is very close to my ear. I bet I could reach out and touch him if I was so inclined to.

  Pulling the blanket off I see that Avery is kneeling next to me. His hair is tousled to perfection and his lip ring glints in the light.

  “Jenny asked me to get you up and tell you that you’re going to meet your physical therapist in a few hours. Something about being lucky you got an appointment so soon and then she’s taking you shopping.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Late o’clock. Now get your ass up.”

  Flipping him the middle finger I pull the covers back over my head once he leaves the room. I guess I stayed on the couch all night. The only good news from it was I managed to sleep without pills or nightmares. I may have to buy a DVD on shark migration habits. I mean you could totally market that to insomniacs.

  Reaching around I try unsuccessfully to find my phone but have no luck locating it. Groaning I put my hand in between the couch cushions and all I find is change. Giving up I roll back over and close my eyes letting the silence lull me back to sleep. The blanket is suddenly yanked off me and I gasp, sitting as Avery retreats with the blanket thrown over his shoulder.

  “Hey! You fight dirty!” Rolling over I sit up and stretch. The house is pretty quiet but there are sounds are coming from the kitchen. Not bothering to call for help I stumble over to my crutches. Glaring at them I desperately want to throw them at the wall. The fact that I’m now forced to use them until I get the go ahead from the doctor and psychical therapist makes me so angry, they hurt my arms when I walk, it’s awkward and I’m unable to use the infamous I-can’t-walk excuse.

  Making my way into the kitchen I grab a banana and a bottled water and head back to my room slamming the door. I look at all the skinny jeans I have that I can’t wear yet because of the way my knee is bulkily wrapped. I grab a pair of comfy track pants and one of my favorite shirts, a shirt that has a deer logo on it for a hunting company. Placing the clothes on my bed I stop at the mirror and stare at my reflection. My shoulder length brown hair is curly and wild and in dire need of a wash. I have been avoiding mirrors at all costs.

  Grimacing in my reflection I take it all in. My green eyes have dark circles under them. The scar on my cheek is a new pink color. I make an ugly face at myself. I really need to put something over the mirror so I’m no longer forced to look at myself.

  Moving to my nightstand drawer I pull it open and take out my pill bottle. Shaking it I think about the yellow pills. If I took them would they take me to my family and out of this world? My mouth waters at the thought. Shaking my head to get the cloudiness gone I give the bottle one last shake and shove them back in the drawer, hurriedly coverin
g them up with random things.

  ***

  Lost in my own thoughts, I head to the bathroom. I fail to see Avery bump right into him sending my crutches down as I fall forward into his warm, very naked chest. Time seems to slow down, until I’m brought back to present with my face plastered to his bare chest. A very muscular chest I might add. I can’t help but breathe in the scent of his soap, a wonderful warm guy aroma. I sniff him again and open my eyes to tattoos.

  I didn’t realize he had several of them on his chest until I was up close and personal with them. One is a cross and the other is writing in some other language. Grabbing one of his arms and trying to get my balance I notice how muscular they are. I’m acting like I’ve never been next to a guy like this before, because I haven’t. Now I can see why all the girls back home would choose to spend time with their boyfriends and ditch me. I move my head closer so I can get a better sniff. Yes, I’m standing here sniffing him while he is helping me keep my balance. I have no pride. Despite all that I hear his alarmed voice.

  “Whoa, Hadley! You okay?” He grabs the towel hanging extremely low on his hips so it doesn’t fall. Please fall towel, I beg silently. It doesn’t much to my dismay. Still holding tightly to the towel he maneuvers me so he can grab the fallen crutches and hand them too me.

  “Y—Yes,” I eventually mutter.